What are you looking for in a relationship? Separate what you want now from what you might want later, then say the "now" part in one plain sentence. Most dating confusion comes from two people quietly wanting different things, not from anyone lying.
Why it helps to decide before you meet anyone
If you don't know what you want, other people fill the gap for you. Someone hoping for marriage reads your "let's see how it goes" as a yes. Someone after company reads your enthusiasm as pressure.
Knowing your answer early saves time for everyone. It also makes you easier to be around, because you stop hedging.
Your answer can be small. "I'd like to meet people and see who I click with" is a real answer. So is "I want a long-term partner and I'm in no rush". What matters is that it's true today.
How to work out what you want
Sit down for 10 minutes with these 3 questions. Write the answers rather than just thinking them.
- What would a good month look like? Picture a month going well. Are you seeing one person regularly, meeting a few people, or building friendships?
- What am I not up for right now? Be honest about your limits. Perhaps you don't want to move in with anyone, or you can't give a partner much time during a heavy training block.
- What do I want in 12 months? You don't have to be right. You're just checking the direction.
Then compare your answers. If you want a partner in 12 months but only casual company this month, say so. Both can be true, and the right person will understand that you're being straight.
The options, in plain words
These are the 5 intentions SetsOfLove offers. Members can pick any mix.
- Dates: going out with someone to see if there's something there. No promises either way.
- A relationship: you want to be with one person and build something together.
- Marriage: you're looking for a lifelong partner and you're open to that path.
- Friendship: you'd like good people around you, with no romantic expectations.
- Just fun: light, friendly company with no long-term plan. If this is yours, read how to be honest about casual dating.
Choosing more than one is fine. "Dates and friendship" tells people you're open and unhurried. "A relationship and marriage" tells them you're serious. Neither is better. Each is just information.
Saying it plainly
You can say what you want kindly and without a speech. Some wording that works:
- "I'm looking for something long term, but I'm happy to take it slowly."
- "I'd like to get to know people first. I'm not sure yet where it goes."
- "I'm not after anything serious right now. I'd like some good company."
- "I'd like friends first. If more comes, great, and if not, that's fine too."
Notice what these have in common. They describe you, not the other person. They leave room for a different answer. They don't ask the other person to commit to anything.
Say it early, but not as an opening line. A good time is when the conversation turns to what you're each up to lately. If your profile already states it, you may not need to say it again until someone asks.
Choosing what you're after on SetsOfLove
On SetsOfLove, "what you're after" is one of the profile fields, and you choose it yourself. You also choose who you'd like to meet, from any mix of men, women and non-binary people. You can change either at any time, though any edit takes a live profile offline until it's approved again.
There's no messaging and no algorithm. People read your profile and decide for themselves. That makes your wording matter. A clear "after" line does a lot of work, and the few words about who you'd like to meet can back it up. For ideas on that part, see how to write the "who you'd like to meet" section.
Respecting other people's answers
Once you're clear on your own answer, you have to give other people theirs. That means taking them at their word.
If someone says they want friendship, it's not an opening bid. If someone says they want something serious and you don't, step back kindly rather than stretching it out. If someone says they're not sure, believe them and don't push for a decision.
A few rules of thumb:
- Don't try to talk someone out of what they want.
- Don't agree to something you don't want just to keep things pleasant.
- If you realise your answer has changed, tell them promptly. A short, kind message beats weeks of drifting.
- Wanting different things is no one's fault. It's just a reason to go separate ways, or to be friends.
Friendship can be a good outcome in its own right. If that appeals, letting things build slowly has more on how that works.
What if you don't know yet?
Plenty of people don't, especially after a big change. That's fine. "I'm not sure yet" is an honest answer, and you can say it.
If you're coming out of a long relationship, give yourself room. Dating again after a long relationship covers going at your own pace.
Revisit your answer every few months. People change, and a clear answer from last year can be out of date. Updating it is not a failure. It's just being honest about where you are, which is the whole point.